without the light

There is a pain in my chest so intense that I look down to see if I have put a knife to it. There is nothing, just air. I find myself almost disappointed. A knife would explain the pain. Now the explanation is only another piece of me being tortured with the darkness clinging to my heart. I pick up the phone, I should call somebody, anybody. But I lay the phone down and walk away. There is nobody, only me and the darkness.

I’m not afraid of death, sometimes I wish for it. I do fear what comes after. Another life like this one? Where do I go from here? The warmth I once felt, is now cold and frozen. So cold, I imagine my very breath is seen upon the exhale of the air. I stare at the reflection looking back at me in the mirror. I am lost in the eyes that she sees me with. I cock my head to the side; it does not make a difference. My vision of her is still blurred. I raise my hand, which shakes uncontrollably. As if my fingers will be lost forever upon the mirror.


I want to protect her, but she is behind the mirror, so I know she is safe. Her hand rises as mine has, but it is only the hardness of the glass I feel, not the warmth of her touch. What a disappointment. Wetness creeps down my face as I wipe the tears that are steadily flowing. I do not know this girl, so I turn to leave. Looking one last time at the stranger, who looks like me.

In a corrupted world of my own making, I sit and let the abundance of thoughts rule my mind. Until the voices become so ferocious, I tilt my head back and scream. Only no sound comes from my mouth, only the chocking noise caused from the fever of this occasion. I cannot speak, because I do not know the words. My voice is in the tears that fall from my eyes. Violent and weak at the same time. What confusion in this mind.


I cannot sit still any longer. I stand and wander from room to room, as if I were searching for a hidden treasure. But there is no treasure here. There is only rubble and death. I reek of it. How I long for the sweet smell of flowers, or the scent of a lover’s cologne. I once longed for many things.

Now I long for nothing but the pain to end.

            I move to a window, and violently pull the curtains back, expecting to be blinded by the light, but I am not. As the sobbing of my soul deepens, I stare out into the storm, and the darkness the clouds have brought to the day. And I watch the rain beat softly against the glass. Washing away the last piece of me.


why do you sit in the darkness

Why do you sit in the darkness?

It is in the darkness that I find what I seek.

And what is it you seek?

Myself.

And what are you doing?

I’m dying.

How do you die?

My emotions kill me.

Why?

Because I’m alone.

Why are you alone?

Because …..

Nobody will come into the darkness and save me. 

And I’ve forgotten how to save myself.


my hell

My Hell

 

I stand inside this life of hell

And hold hands with death

Temptation brings me here

Fear keeps me here

I do not think I can let go of his hand

Without him I will be alone

I fear being alone, I fear being me, I fear loving you

I stand inside this life of hell

And hold hands with death


when will the time come?

 

 

 

 

I have been waiting for what now seems like a lifetime

For my life to automatically change

Waiting for that one opportunity for my life

To make sense again

But as the years continue to pass me by

I only seem to find more reasons to cry

See the more time that passes, the more mistakes are made

The more you feel guilty, angry and afraid

You become so addicted to always feeling low

That the point comes when you don’t know which way to go

So you go inside yourself and cut the world away

Numb yourself to anything that’s brought your way

You forget about the love that you once were searching for

You hide away your feelings deep within your core

I thought the time would have changed me

But it’s only made it worse

I begin to become harder, but perhaps that’s a curse

And then I find myself in places I’ve been before

With sadness that surrounds me and tears that begin to flow

In a crowded room with people all around

But I’m the only one that’s alone

solid ground

 

Here I stand on solid ground

But yet I am sinking

Thoughts of pain and sadness

In my mind I am thinking

Deeper and deeper

I feel myself fall

Somehow that doesn’t seem

To bother me at all

I feel if I go low enough

I may disappear

Then darkness will surround me

And nothing I will fear


desperation

 

 

In the shadow of defeat, she falls upon her knees. Strangled by the chains she has put upon herself. Clinging to the last piece of her sanity. She knows death stands in front of her, with his hands open. Offering her a way out. His breath brings warmth and with it an invitation of peace. She is a coward, a body with no spine. Strength has turned its back on her. She is chained, locked in the position of failure, the position of surrender. Moments tease her mind of memories, of the smiles and laughter of her children, the loss of her father. She begins to see the choices she has made. Choices that feed the darkness. It is her hour of punishment…..

A tear falls with each blow. Silencing her screams of pain. Red pours from inside her. This must bring her torturer pleasure. Her knees raw, she falls into the pool of tears that scorch her like a burning fire. She is no longer bruised. She is broken. Her heart bursts from the pain that is boiling over.

She turns her head. She wants to see her punisher. She cries out. Her punisher wears her face, her eyes. In that final moment her spirit breaks and she hangs her head. She reaches for deaths hand and then she disappears.